Excessive parental control and its consequences

by psychologist Maria Baumgarten

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"I want my child to be obedient!", "My child is not obedient!", "Why do all children listen to parents, only mine?"

The above questions frequently occur in the parents' minds and the answers offered are, most of the times, associated with a state of dissatisfaction and intense frustration.

But what does "listener" mean in the parents' sense? What do we, as parents, mean when we say we want an obedient child? Probably we would answer: "We want to listen to us, to do everything we say, not to contradict us, not to be naughty, not to raise the tone, not to turn our words, to know that we, the parents, do not want their evil, not to raise problems ", in a word to be subject, right? "Well no," some would say, "we don't want subdued children, we just want them to agree with us, that we as adults are older than them, have more experience, have lived longer, have seen more many". Our children will have time later to say their point of view and make decisions about their future, but as long as they are at home with us it would be good to do as we say, because we know best what is right for them".

Where does this thirst for parental control over children's behavior come from? Why do we want children who do not come out of the word, be submissive and docile, not create problems, do not contradict us, do as we want? Does it come from the desire to create a secure future for them and we do not want deviations from this plan, or because of the fear of losing control in their relationship? Is it possible that this need for control has its roots in our culture and we, in fact, have taken on an inter-generational parental style?

But why do we feel this urgent need to control the lives of our children and what long-term effects can an overly cautious parenting style have on our child?

Without a doubt, it is difficult to be a parent and, often, the need for control over the lives of our children comes from the states of insecurity we feel as they grow up. We all want a harmoniously developed child who has all the skills necessary to lead an independent life, who is confident in their own strengths and competencies and who succeeds in life both socially and professionally. Fear of not playing our role as a parent, however, turns many of us into authoritative and self-reliant parents who need to know what's best for their children. In this excess of parental zeal, we happen to cross certain boundaries and fail to realize the impact our decisions have on the development of our children.

But what are the signs that we should look at and which might indicate if we "jump the horse" in relation to our children ?:

- We are perfectionists - we like things to come out exactly as we wish, if we do not come out we cannot tolerate this, experiencing extremely high feelings of frustration. This perfectionism is spreading over our children, becoming hyper-protective, rigid in the imposition of the rules, addressing criticisms of every deviation from our child's rule. Imposing our lifestyle on the child without really paying attention to his personal characteristics, needs and interests, is associated quite intensely with the risk of growing a kind of "puppet";

- We always believe that we know best what is right for our child. The desire and thirst for always being right, dominates and blinds us. We want to do things instead of our children, because we are sure we are doing what is best for them, giving the children an extremely limited freedom. Unfortunately, these children, when they grow up, feel lacking in self-confidence, insufficiently good and less valuable;

- We have very high expectations for our own children. These expectations are associated with our need for perfection and, therefore, it is normal in our view that these standards are very high. These parents will put pressure on their children to achieve unrealistic goals, for example to have maximum results in all subjects, to be the best in the class, to participate in as many Olympics, etc. This attitude can create two types of adolescents: the rebels, who will constantly oppose and reach a conflicting relationship with their parents, and the submissive, submissive, lacking initiative, waiting for their parents to make decisions for them. and solve their problems;

- We want to control all the social relations of our child, we tell the children with whom they should be friends and with whom not. When their friends come to visit, we are also there to dominate the discussion and to question the friend in question, to be sure that he is also living up to our expectations; we are omnipresent, so that something does not escape us. We have no problem invading their privacy;

- We make our own children doubt what they are, we create low self-esteem. This lack of confidence begins to manifest from the way they go, how they talk, what they eat. . Even as an adult, this child feels in the presence of their parents as if they were 7 years old;

- We are competing for our child's affection. . When we are young we become aggressive, authoritarian and exercise the punishment to do exactly as we say, and later, when we grow up, we begin to use emotional blackmail to control them.

What are the consequences of such a parenting style on our children?

- Creates resentment at the child level - children with authoritarian parents who make decisions permanently instead of their children only create the premises of a tense relationship in which children begin to have the feeling that they do not have no bit of privacy, a corner where they can manifest their own existence as they wish, that there is no place to belong to them, everything is controlled by their parents. Children with authoritarian parents are full of resentment, rebellion, feeling inadequate and powerless. Parents who exercise exaggerated control probably think that they offer protection only to their children, but in fact they feel intimidated and suffocated by such an attitude, eventually developing feelings of anger, bitterness and disgust;

- Delinquency - excessive parental control can even lead to delinquency. An authoritative parent and with the desire to fully control the life of the child, which works according to the phrase "As long as you are in my house, do what I say!", Increases the probability of having children with disrespect, with delinquent, comparative behaviors with parents developing in their child a sense of respect and self-confidence. It is true that all children need authority because they learn to follow the rules and to learn that there are consequences if the behavior is inappropriate. But the authoritarian parents who dominate, manipulate and enforce rules and severe punishments as a result of their violation may fail to develop respect for themselves and others for their children. In order to have balanced children it is necessary to balance the behavior of authority and firmness in the application of rules with those that offer warmth, love, understanding;

- A difficult transition to adult life - Children with possessive parents have serious problems in making the leap from childhood to adult life. In the case of children with authoritarian parents, they are accustomed to having someone else think in their place, so they have difficulty making decisions and finding the best solutions to solve their own problems in life. You cannot expect a child who has never experienced the independence of his or her own choices, to suddenly make the best decisions and manifest the most effective skills of social adaptation and problem solving. In general, these children have serious problems in making decisions, being unreliable, oscillating and with a permanent fear that they will disappoint their pretentious parent. The use of parental control techniques excessively and irresponsibly, develops in the child uncertainty, mistrust, revolt and also leads to unhealthy patterns of co-dependency;

- Insecurity - is generally a feeling produced by the excessive control of parents. Children who grow up with parenting and not independent thinking generally have poor skills of social adaptation, problem solving and initiative. When they leave the family home these children feel lost, isolated and scared, with strong feelings of insecurity about how they should behave in different life situations because there is no one behind them to tell them exactly how it is good or not to act. Some do not trust their own strengths, have low self-esteem and behave timidly in society, trying to be seen as little as possible and to disturb as little as possible with others, their fear of mistake being very high, thus developing anxiety, depression. Others become rebellious in the world and in life, they feel powerless and angry, becoming rebellious against social norms, rules and all things that make them feel powerless and incapable, all of these things creating unhappiness and inappropriate behavior outside the home and in your own family.

What can we do?

Unfortunately, the specialized literature does not have many solutions to solve problems at the parent level, but rather teaches children how to deal with parents with such an educational style. You probably wonder why? Maybe when I think of myself as being perfect and doing the right thing, do I need to change anything with myself? So, of course, the others are the ones who make the mistake, not me - the intervention of changing a man who considers himself perfect, is anxious and with little chance of success. And yet, I will give you some ideas by which a parent can recognize such behavior:

- Introspection - the ability to recognize our own behavior and recognize it with its pluses and minuses is a quality of powerful people, so it's good to know that recognizes who we are is a quality, not a shame. Any change begins by identifying what we want to change in ourselves. The beginning consists in identifying our parental style, who and what we are as parents, how we are perceived by our own children, relatives, neighbors, parents of other children. Do I behave differently from my other parents? Feel that I demand more, am I more demanding? Has my attention already been drawn to being too authoritarian? Feedback from others is important, so it is good to analyze them because they can say something about us. It is good not to "ignore" everything that is said about us and does not suit us;

Let's try to do a analysis of the relationship between us and our child. Is our child happy around us, quiet? Is it warmly related to us? Does he tell us everything that goes through his head? Does he have a positive attitude in our relationship with us? Or we feel slightly afraid, sometimes anxious, sad, irritated, angry, too obedient, he never goes out of his word, he accepts without any reaction everything we say to him, he worries excessively when he does something he knows we don't like, etc. If we encounter such characteristics in our child, we may have a problem of excessive authority in his relationship, and he will relate to us, as parents, with fear;

- Perfectionism - Excessive control can come from a lack of trust in ourselves, from personal fears, anxieties, so it is good to try to identify these causes, to find the answer to the question : "Why do I behave like this in my relationship with my child?" If we do not succeed alone we can succeed together with a specialist;

- After identifying the behavior, change occurs , by adopting the best techniques and strategies of change. Here, it may help us answer the question: "Who do I want to be for my child? A tyrant who wants to get away as soon as possible or a loving and warm parent with whom to maintain a healthy relationship all his life and want to be an active grandfather for his children and my grandchildren? ”Can change be difficult and annoying, but at the same time, a challenge that makes us feel good and released from behavior that does no one any good; therefore, at this stage, we can also call on specialists when we feel that the situation is beyond us.

Increasing the level of acceptance and diversity of the human being is a quality that each of us should manifest, especially parents in their relationship with their child. Children are separate entities and sometimes completely different from ourselves. It is indeed a challenge to understand and educate a child with different values ​​and principles of yours, with different aptitudes, with a different temperament, but only if we take into account these things can we help him to become an integral adult and success. A child different from us is not a wrong child. When we say "This child looks nothing like me or his father, I have no idea who he looked like!", It is good to accept that it is just different, not something bad that has to be changed completely, we should not give a negative connotation that the child does not resemble us as behavioral reactions, temperament, but we must help him to keep the good things of this temperament, and the less constructive ones to become aware of them and, in time, to replace them. with others more socially adaptable. We have to accept that in life people are better, or less good, than us, but that doesn't make us more or less valuable.

Children do not have to do as we want, they must follow their own path in life, and our role is to guide them along this path, where they need us.